Now that this journey is finally coming to an end, I wanted to share some wisdom that I gathered over the last year. Take it or leave it!
1. When you hear of your spouse deploying for the first time, start a "to-do" list of things that need to be done before they leave. This can be of things like...learn how to clean/use all guns in the house, prep taxes (if gone over tax season), house repairs, car repairs, yard mowing arrangements, paying bills, processing paychecks, making a will, power of attorney, gaining access to all financial accounts...This really helps set you up the best possibly way to be on your own.
2. Set up a fb event page to coordinate care packages. My inventive MIL started this for us and it was so useful! I could post what he needed, and we could ensure he wasn't receiving duplicates of items he didn't need.
3. Talk about communication before the spouse leaves. We went into this thinking we'd have skype and frequent phone calls. Not the case. We never got to skype and I got a phone call about 2-3 times a month. It was a hard adjustment especially since we'd hadn't talked about it much before he left. Prep yourselves.
4. Send letters/boxes at least 1-2 times a month. It's hard to remember with all of today's technology to pick up a pen and paper when typing up a quick email from your iPhone is so much more efficient. The spouse LOVES having something tangible to hold, smell or taste from home.
5. Likewise, coordinate with friends and family to send you care packages too! I received many from friends and family and they absolutely made my day. I had the misfortune of being 1600 miles from my closet support system so the packages helped me stay in touch and let me know that someone out there cared about me too.
6. Make a big gift box for them for when they return home, especially if they've been gone for a long period of time. Being in the military myself, I traveled a lot for work and pleasure over the last year. I made it a point to pick up tees, trinkets or what not for him wherever I went. I didn't send them off in care packages because it's things he didn't need overseas and room is sparse over there. I got a big paper packing box and starting putting all the things I collected for him over the past year and I'll give it to him when he gets home. I filled it with candy from his parent's home, college tees, sports memorabilia and other things. It lets them know you thought of them throughout the year.
7. Try to somehow collect what happened at home while the spouse was gone in picture form. Whether it be a big collage, photo book (Shutterfly is my favorite) or just a stack of pictures for them. Especially a good idea of you have growing children at home. Allows them to really be clued in on what they missed out on.
8. Watch how many goals you set. You're one person who will be under a lot of stress and a flood of new emotions constantly. Don't put yourself under a lot of pressure to take on new house projects, weight loss or making huge commitments and such. I'm speaking from experience in that my husband is coming home in about a week and I have a list a mile long of things I "wanted" to get done before he came home and now feel pressured to do every single one. That's not realistic. Yes I didn't check off everything I wanted to do over the year, but I did just survive my first deployment as a spouse. That's good enough for me.
9. Have 2 special friends during the deployment. One for moral support who knows what you're going through and can relate. Preferably in the military life-style as well. A second one, with a strong listening ear and personality, to be your vent, they will be your "bitch-buddy". You will rant, vent and exclaim many frustrations to them but they will understand. They'll know you need this as much as you need anything else. I personally had one of each of these and they proved to be my rocks through this entire experience. I couldn't have made it through without them. Everyone needs a pick me up and a venting session every now and then.
These are things that really worked for me or didn't. Hope they can be of some use to you or give you ideas to stem off of! Leave comments below for any added tips/tricks you can think of!
I have been telling myself and my friends lately that having realistic expectations of yourself (emotionally) is important. For instance, I had two panic attacks before Josh left. Two years ago these would've worried me and made me feel inadequate. Now I realize that these are just the ways my feelings have manifested themselves and I have to let that out to feel better and move on. It's all a part of the process and you know yourself well enough to know what is realistic for you.
ReplyDeleteI second the bitch buddy. My bitch buddy happens to also be the one who is going through it with me. They are the person you can complain about the stupid things with whereas others (who aren't in your situation) may see you as being negative and feel the need to turn your attitude into a positive one. But sometimes, you just gotta bitch about how shitty deployment is.