I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands, to speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they are not and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Life is Hard

We knew a year ago when we decided to start trying for a family that this time in our lives would come.  We knew my husband needed to continue on through law school in another state.  We knew the Air Force would make me and baby stay put until I could separate in April 2016.

This knowledge still didn't make saying goodbye this morning any easier.

When I was younger and would day dream about motherhood I never once pictured it with me raising an infant completely alone away from my husband, family or friends.  Well here I find myself in that exact situation.  I feel blessed knowing our daughter won't remember an ounce of this hard time.  I feel mad, scared and extremely sad that I have to do this alone for the next 8 months.  I feel jealous of all my other friends that have their perfect families together and enjoying life with each other.  I feel alone.  I feel weak and I hate that feeling most of all.



I'm going to try my damnedest to be everything I can for my sweet Norah.  Nothing in the world can replace my amazing husband when it comes to raising her, but I'm going to try to fill in where he left off.

This man of mine has been an AMAZING father and husband.  He set up my breast pump and showed me how to use it when our babe was only days old and needed supplementation.  He got up EVERY morning before I would to change the baby before I would feed her.  He would bathe her alone every night to allow me a chance at a quiet shower or time to walk the dog alone.  He worked tirelessly to get our baby to take a bottle for daycare.  And with a heavy heart he's decided to miss out on our child's first year so that he can provide for all of us in the near future.  He's done all of this and more with the biggest smile, and never with me asking him to do any of it.  I sure don't deserve a man of this caliber, but our sweet daughter sure does.




We have benchmarks set up every 4-6 weeks so that too much time doesn't pass without some attempt at family time since we all know babies don't keep.  We have daily FaceTime dates in our future and I promised him to keep the pictures flowing.  Here's hoping I can keep my family afloat, healthy and in one piece until we finally are able to live together again.

Please keep our little family in your thoughts.  We're both taking on so much these next few months.  I know my house won't be clean.  I won't have time for social media like I once did.  Hell I don't even know if the gym will see my face much.  Reach out to us.  We really do appreciate it.

At least this is the last countdown we'll ever have.  That's worth smiling about for sure.



Sunday, August 9, 2015

The 4th Trimester

2 Weeks:




Wow has my poor body been through the ringer!  I gained about 35lbs during my 38 weeks of pregnancy, and today I'm down about 20lbs.  I know it's because of the breastfeeding, so I'm pretty thankful for the help!  I know it took nine months for my body to change, so I'm not rushing it's recovery.  I've actually grown quite fond of my jolly belly!  As for the stretch marks that I fretted over a few months ago...well now I LOVE them.  It's the only proof (besides my c-section scar) left behind that I'm Norah's Mommy.  How could I not love them?  Funny thing, my husband loves to make me laugh just to see my belly jostle up and down.  How weird is he?  He loves the belly too.

As far as healing from a c-section goes, it's been slow.  About 10 days PP my incision started to ooze and bleed so I had to go on antibiotics.  It's healing slowly but surely now.  When I cough or sneeze it stings, but I'm hoping in a couple weeks that will stop.

My hormones have been crazy.  I cry quite a bit, but sometimes it's for legit reasons.  Like when I think about my husband leaving us in August. I also cry looking at old photos, so I'm pretty sure my hormones are still running a muck.  I have placenta pills but I'm trying to save them for August when I think I'll need them the most.

No exercise yet, but I have started walking in the evenings with my husband and dog.  I get worn out pretty quick so it's easy to overdue things.  I miss CrossFit bad.  I can't wait to get cleared to go back!

1 Month:



I'm finally feeling like myself again, and it took about 3 weeks.  Mostly the hormones I think are leveling off.  I had so many mixed emotions those first couple weeks, so glad to feel like myself again.  I'm walking about 1.25 miles nightly and trying to slowly get back to being mobile and active.  The walks outside help my moods too.  I get this awful groundhog day feeling during the week, so outings or walks help make the day different and lift my mood tremendously.  It's been tough going from living by myself for nine months, to having more visitors than I've ever had in a 2.5 week period.  Especially with my desire to want to form a family again with my husband and new baby, so dealing with all the visitors overwhelmed me at first.  I don't think it'd be such an adjustment if my  husband and I were given time before she arrived to reconnect, but we weren't.  No ones fault!  Reconnecting with your spouse, learning to be a mom and doing it all with visitors watching and running on 2-3 hours of sleep is the perfect melting pot for crazy emotions!  But we made it through and now we're adjusting to our temporary new normal.

I've never been a stay at home wife, so now that I'm at home until I return to work mid August has proved to be another new adjustment as well.  This isn't my new normal, it just feels like I'm on summer break.  I don't think Norah and I will really get into a routine until my husband leaves, I go back to work and reality, and it becomes just us girls.  Until then I'm trying to enjoy every moment at home while I can.

Physically I'm still healing, and I'm reminded of that every time I sneeze or cough.  I'm down a total of  26lbs, only 9lbs left to go!  I really believe the breastfeeding is what's working the weight loss magic.  I still have a belly, but that's to be expected!  I miss working out and the natural high I got from it.  I think exercise will also help improve my moods as well when the time comes.  I have started to feel some slight pressure to get back into shape.  I have a PT test for the Air Force in November.  I know that is still 5 months away, but I know it will sneak up on me quick!

My body really does amaze me though.  I just made a healthy human being and already my body is starting to resemble my old self again.  Woman are incredible creatures.

2 Months:



I started back at CrossFit finally after one case of a nasty ass crack infection (I kid you not), one case of thrush and healed from my C-section!  It felt SO good but I'm definitely starting from scratch in some areas.  Lifting not so much, but my cardio is horrible!  Oh well, excited to see some gains!  I have 10lbs more to lose before I'm back at my pre-baby weight, so I'm focusing on that goal first.

Present Day:

I still don't feel like my body is quite my own yet, but I think breastfeeding has a lot to do with it.  My breasts have minds of their own.  If I wear her too much in the Ergo I start leaking like crazy.  If I think about her too much they start leaking like crazy.  Hell I have to take a towel to bed with me at night because I'll leak through the sheets.  My body is definitely hers for the next year, but it's what I signed up for so I don't mind most days.  I'm working out 3-5 times a week, but lately I've fallen off to soak every minute up with my husband before he leaves.  I know once he's gone I'll land into more of a routine.  I still have about ten pounds to lose before I'm at pre baby weight and I'd like to lose another 10 once that's off.  I think I can do it but it will take time.  No rush!  It took 9 months to pile it on, so my goal is to have it off by Valentine's Day.  I hated the stretch marks when they first started to appear, but now I don't want them to leave.  I LOVE them.  They're what's left of having grown my love inside me for almost a year.  I love to look down and be reminded that I grew the best part of our family inside me.  I do have some new aches that I never had before I became pregnant.  My knees/hips ache, and I'm not sure my back will ever be the same again.

Emotionally I'm much better now.  My hormones took about 4-6 weeks to level out, but even though I thought I was a mood-swinging beast my husband says it really wasn't as bad as other women he's heard about.  Thanks love!  It's scary how much we love Norah.  I couldn't even fathom this severity of love before I gave birth.  I feel so incredibly blessed to be able to experience it.

I really enjoyed my full three months off with my daughter.  We learned to much together and watching her change before my eyes has been nothing short of incredible.  I return to work this week, but I think it will be good for me.  I enjoy working and having something of my own.  I enjoy the stimulating work that I do, and I believe it will make me value our mother-daughter time more when we do have it.  I'm lucky enough to have her daycare mere minutes from my work so I'll visit her every lunch hour.  Only having to go four hours at a time without seeing her is wonderful.  I try to not bitch about it too much because it could be worse.  For instance my husband has to go 6 weeks at a time without waking up to her sparkling face for the next 9 months.  I don't have it as bad as it could be.

Our fourth trimester is officially over, and it's been my favorite one thus far.  I'm amazed daily that my body can still solely sustain our daughter, give her the sustenance to grow, and the love to flourish.  We've been through many trials together, but the worst one I fear is just around the bend with her favorite person leaving her life for awhile.  We knew this was part of the plan, and we knew what we had to do when we decided to start a family, but it doesn't make him leaving any easier.  I have huge fears that I won't be enough for her emotionally.  She loves her Dad so much.  Her eyes light up when he picks her up from bed every morning, he soothes her like I can't to sleep without the need for breasts and she loves his scratchy beard on her smooth little cheeks when they kiss.  I fear I'll get overwhelmed.  I fear I won't be able to pump for her enough at work.  I fear she'll forget who he is and their bond will diminish.  I fear that between working 40 hours a week, trying to work out 3-5 times a week, maintaining a household and taking care of our four animals that I won't have to time enjoy my daughter grow before my eyes.  Hell I'm crying now just thinking about it.

I'm trying to embrace all my fears, acknowledge that they exist and vow to work through each one slowly.  I'm human and I know this period in our lives won't be pretty at first.  I wish I didn't have to raise our infant daughter completely alone for 9 months.  I wish I had family or friends nearby.  I wish I could just move my mom in for the next 9 months, but I can't.  Norah will be my top priority and the rest I just need to learn to let fall to the wayside.  If that means I don't get to work out then I need to come to terms with that.  If it means Zeus doesn't get a nightly walk, or that my floors get buried in hair then so be it.

Life isn't fair when situations like this arise, but the only way out is through.  We have a light at the end of the tunnel, so here's hoping we arrive at the light with a healthy daughter and marriage in tact.

Goodbye 4th Trimester.  You were my favorite.


Norah June: 3 Months Old





Weight and Height: 13 lbs  5 oz, 23 inches long

Eyes and Hair: Lighter blue eyes and balding strawberry/brownish hair

Diapers: Size 1 fit now

Clothes: 3 or 3-6 month

Eating: EBF 5-7 times a day, much more efficient now so shorter stints

Sleeping: 7-10 hours straight through

1/4 of her first year is over! Holy cow!  I'm so happy that we both could spend these first three months with her, and watch her change every day in every way.  She feels and looks so much bigger now to us.  We love watching her little belly and thighs get bigger by the week.

Norah loves to still watch ceiling fans.  She's obsessed!  She enjoys the mobile above her swing and the hanging toys above her play mat at well.  She's recently started to try to "talk" to us.  By this I mean she stares intently at my mouth when I form words and tries her hardest to mock my mouth shape.  It's so adorable.  She'll coo and just smile so big when we coo back.  She must think we understand her.  She'll even wink at us to which my husband always says to wink back!  You know, so she knows that we got whatever hint she's relaying.  Goofball.  The smiles just keep coming and coming and we'll do anything to produce one.  She's big on her open mouth smiles which we just LOVE.  My husband's favorite time of the day with her is when he wakes up to get her from the bassinet.  He'll peak over the side and she'll find his face and just give him the biggest grin.  He'll take her out of the swaddle and she'll immediately do a huge stretch with her arms shooting up and around her face.  Then he'll take her to change her diaper, and she'll hug him for support.  Her hugging him like that in the morning just melts him.  Ask him about it and see his huge smile when he tells you about his morning routine.  I've never in my 7 years of waking up beside him have seen him so anxious to wake up in the morning!  She gets a real kick when Dad has his glasses on, so we're not sure if she thinks he looks funny or if she can see her reflection.  Nonetheless it's so entertaining to watch her crack up when he has those on.  She also really enjoys looking at picture books.  It's quieted her many times and we really enjoy reading to her.  She looks to be really looking at the pages too.  The biggest new thing I love is when I sing to her.  My husband claims I can carry a tune pretty well, so I'm not too bashful to sing out loud but seeing how my daughter reacts to my voice brings me to tears.  My favorite song to sing to her is "You Are My Sunshine" and she immiediately quiets down, locks eyes with me and drifts to sleep.  Every. Time.  Our poor friends even had to endure my singing on a recent road trip we took, but the claimed to not mind.  It's amazing the effect a Mother's voice can have on her child.  I love singing to her, and hope she never grows tired of hearing it.

We think she's developing right on schedule!  We're no experts but she seems to be hitting the marks.  She can hold her head up now for good, and recently she's been holding it at 90 degrees.  She's pushing her chest off the floor too.  She loves to stand up on her strong legs (assisted of course).  She can roll from front to back but not back to front yet.  She follows us when we walk across the room, turns her head when we talk beside her to look at us, and finally giggled just a few days ago.  Last night she looked at her own hand for the first time in amazement as if to say, "Hey, what are you doing here?"  She changes so quickly.  We're still working on the grasping a rattle gig, not quite there yet.  We're excited to see all her progress, but we're in no rush.  She'll progress when she's ready and until then we'll soak up every moment we can just the way she is.

She still dislikes her carseat big time and recently started resisting naps.  My husband is amazing at soothing her to sleep without me having to pop a nipple in her mouth to soothe her so that's been a huge help.  She doesn't like to be held too often either.  She is quite content to just lay on her stomach on the floor or lie on her back and gaze at the fan.  She hates shots too but I can't blame her there!

First shots and I BAWLED!


Breastfeeding just keeps getting easier by the week.  She's slowed up quite a bit though the last few weeks.  She eats a huge meal (45 min) first thing in the morning, then goes 3-4 hours until the next feeding (20-30 min) and so on until around 8pm.  Then it's time for her last feeding before sleeping and she'll eat another 45 min - 1 hour.  Then she sleeps for  8-10 hours straight through.  I have been waking at 3am to pump every. single. night. until just a few days ago when I decided to pump right before I go to bed.  I empty my breasts out just enough to finally get 6-7 hours of uninterrupted sleep alongside my husband and baby without waking up in pain. It hasn't effected my supply like I feared, so I'm happy!  I have close to 300 ounces frozen, so I feel good about my stash for emergencies/work.  I start pumping at work soon so I'm sure that will throw off my routine, so more to come on my new pump life era!  Her amazing Dad has been working tirelessly on her taking a bottle.  She took one without a hitch at 6 days old (had to pump more BM into her to make weight) but afterwards we'd only give her one once a week or so.  Big mistake.  Apparently you have to do it pretty frequently like almost daily or else they forget how to take one.  That happened to us, and she all of a sudden wouldn't take a bottle!  It scared the crap out of me because she starts daycare soon and has to be able to take a bottle.  My husband worked with her for days through screaming fits, and finally has her back into taking one again daily.  Word of advice to BF moms who want their babe to take a bottle...once they take one don't let up!  Unknown to us, they can forget and then it's pretty hard re-teaching them to take one again.


Bottle Whisperer


She had a busy month with her first vacation and first foreign country visit!




Our time as a happy family together in one household is dwindling, so we're trying to soak up as much time together as humanly possible.  We're so very lucky to have spend these last three months with her together.  Our favorite pictures from this month:







Quilt made by her Great Grandma Jacque




Even when you're crying you're beautiful too.



We took this after I checked my email one morning and found out we can move to Oklahoma in April!  She was not amused.

I have a baby pic of me in this too!


Big brother has been more interested lately












Thigh rolls

Visiting Daddy on his last week of his law internship! Matchy Matchy

Brunch on the beach


Right after her FIRST giggle!


This is why you can't put bumpers in cribs folks...

Our rolly polly!

Daddy captures sweet cuddles


Those cheeks and smile!


Her eyes are lightening up

That latch!

Dressing up

We came back from vacation and tried not swaddling her for bed, success!

Friday morning out to breakfast because we can!

Bikini, shades and water

Swimming wore them out

First nap in her crib

Husband caught us sleeping while I was nursing her to sleep.


We love her more than ourselves, and we feel so honored to have watch her grow together up to this point.  1/4 of your first year is over my love!