The 4th Trimester

2 Weeks:

Wow has my poor body been through the ringer!  I gained about 35lbs during my 38 weeks of pregnancy, and today I'm down about 20lbs.  I know it's because of the breastfeeding, so I'm pretty thankful for the help!  I know it took nine months for my body to change, so I'm not rushing it's recovery.  I've actually grown quite fond of my jolly belly!  As for the stretch marks that I fretted over a few months ago...well now I LOVE them.  It's the only proof (besides my c-section scar) left behind that I'm Norah's Mommy.  How could I not love them?  Funny thing, my husband loves to make me laugh just to see my belly jostle up and down.  How weird is he?  He loves the belly too.

As far as healing from a c-section goes, it's been slow.  About 10 days PP my incision started to ooze and bleed so I had to go on antibiotics.  It's healing slowly but surely now.  When I cough or sneeze it stings, but I'm hoping in a couple weeks that will stop.

My hormones have been crazy.  I cry quite a bit, but sometimes it's for legit reasons.  Like when I think about my husband leaving us in August. I also cry looking at old photos, so I'm pretty sure my hormones are still running a muck.  I have placenta pills but I'm trying to save them for August when I think I'll need them the most.

No exercise yet, but I have started walking in the evenings with my husband and dog.  I get worn out pretty quick so it's easy to overdue things.  I miss CrossFit bad.  I can't wait to get cleared to go back!

1 Month:

I'm finally feeling like myself again, and it took about 3 weeks.  Mostly the hormones I think are leveling off.  I had so many mixed emotions those first couple weeks, so glad to feel like myself again.  I'm walking about 1.25 miles nightly and trying to slowly get back to being mobile and active.  The walks outside help my moods too.  I get this awful groundhog day feeling during the week, so outings or walks help make the day different and lift my mood tremendously.  It's been tough going from living by myself for nine months, to having more visitors than I've ever had in a 2.5 week period.  Especially with my desire to want to form a family again with my husband and new baby, so dealing with all the visitors overwhelmed me at first.  I don't think it'd be such an adjustment if my  husband and I were given time before she arrived to reconnect, but we weren't.  No ones fault!  Reconnecting with your spouse, learning to be a mom and doing it all with visitors watching and running on 2-3 hours of sleep is the perfect melting pot for crazy emotions!  But we made it through and now we're adjusting to our temporary new normal.

I've never been a stay at home wife, so now that I'm at home until I return to work mid August has proved to be another new adjustment as well.  This isn't my new normal, it just feels like I'm on summer break.  I don't think Norah and I will really get into a routine until my husband leaves, I go back to work and reality, and it becomes just us girls.  Until then I'm trying to enjoy every moment at home while I can.

Physically I'm still healing, and I'm reminded of that every time I sneeze or cough.  I'm down a total of  26lbs, only 9lbs left to go!  I really believe the breastfeeding is what's working the weight loss magic.  I still have a belly, but that's to be expected!  I miss working out and the natural high I got from it.  I think exercise will also help improve my moods as well when the time comes.  I have started to feel some slight pressure to get back into shape.  I have a PT test for the Air Force in November.  I know that is still 5 months away, but I know it will sneak up on me quick!

My body really does amaze me though.  I just made a healthy human being and already my body is starting to resemble my old self again.  Woman are incredible creatures.

2 Months:

I started back at CrossFit finally after one case of a nasty ass crack infection (I kid you not), one case of thrush and healed from my C-section!  It felt SO good but I'm definitely starting from scratch in some areas.  Lifting not so much, but my cardio is horrible!  Oh well, excited to see some gains!  I have 10lbs more to lose before I'm back at my pre-baby weight, so I'm focusing on that goal first.

Present Day:

I still don't feel like my body is quite my own yet, but I think breastfeeding has a lot to do with it.  My breasts have minds of their own.  If I wear her too much in the Ergo I start leaking like crazy.  If I think about her too much they start leaking like crazy.  Hell I have to take a towel to bed with me at night because I'll leak through the sheets.  My body is definitely hers for the next year, but it's what I signed up for so I don't mind most days.  I'm working out 3-5 times a week, but lately I've fallen off to soak every minute up with my husband before he leaves.  I know once he's gone I'll land into more of a routine.  I still have about ten pounds to lose before I'm at pre baby weight and I'd like to lose another 10 once that's off.  I think I can do it but it will take time.  No rush!  It took 9 months to pile it on, so my goal is to have it off by Valentine's Day.  I hated the stretch marks when they first started to appear, but now I don't want them to leave.  I LOVE them.  They're what's left of having grown my love inside me for almost a year.  I love to look down and be reminded that I grew the best part of our family inside me.  I do have some new aches that I never had before I became pregnant.  My knees/hips ache, and I'm not sure my back will ever be the same again.

Emotionally I'm much better now.  My hormones took about 4-6 weeks to level out, but even though I thought I was a mood-swinging beast my husband says it really wasn't as bad as other women he's heard about.  Thanks love!  It's scary how much we love Norah.  I couldn't even fathom this severity of love before I gave birth.  I feel so incredibly blessed to be able to experience it.

I really enjoyed my full three months off with my daughter.  We learned to much together and watching her change before my eyes has been nothing short of incredible.  I return to work this week, but I think it will be good for me.  I enjoy working and having something of my own.  I enjoy the stimulating work that I do, and I believe it will make me value our mother-daughter time more when we do have it.  I'm lucky enough to have her daycare mere minutes from my work so I'll visit her every lunch hour.  Only having to go four hours at a time without seeing her is wonderful.  I try to not bitch about it too much because it could be worse.  For instance my husband has to go 6 weeks at a time without waking up to her sparkling face for the next 9 months.  I don't have it as bad as it could be.

Our fourth trimester is officially over, and it's been my favorite one thus far.  I'm amazed daily that my body can still solely sustain our daughter, give her the sustenance to grow, and the love to flourish.  We've been through many trials together, but the worst one I fear is just around the bend with her favorite person leaving her life for awhile.  We knew this was part of the plan, and we knew what we had to do when we decided to start a family, but it doesn't make him leaving any easier.  I have huge fears that I won't be enough for her emotionally.  She loves her Dad so much.  Her eyes light up when he picks her up from bed every morning, he soothes her like I can't to sleep without the need for breasts and she loves his scratchy beard on her smooth little cheeks when they kiss.  I fear I'll get overwhelmed.  I fear I won't be able to pump for her enough at work.  I fear she'll forget who he is and their bond will diminish.  I fear that between working 40 hours a week, trying to work out 3-5 times a week, maintaining a household and taking care of our four animals that I won't have to time enjoy my daughter grow before my eyes.  Hell I'm crying now just thinking about it.

I'm trying to embrace all my fears, acknowledge that they exist and vow to work through each one slowly.  I'm human and I know this period in our lives won't be pretty at first.  I wish I didn't have to raise our infant daughter completely alone for 9 months.  I wish I had family or friends nearby.  I wish I could just move my mom in for the next 9 months, but I can't.  Norah will be my top priority and the rest I just need to learn to let fall to the wayside.  If that means I don't get to work out then I need to come to terms with that.  If it means Zeus doesn't get a nightly walk, or that my floors get buried in hair then so be it.

Life isn't fair when situations like this arise, but the only way out is through.  We have a light at the end of the tunnel, so here's hoping we arrive at the light with a healthy daughter and marriage in tact.

Goodbye 4th Trimester.  You were my favorite.