My Phases of Deployment

Like every other wife out there as soon as I heard my husband was deploying I did a little research on what to expect. My research didn't yield much of any worth. Websites offered different "phases" to expect to experience, and some were spot on. Others didn't remotely apply to me because I was either already working, had no kids or just moved to a new state. Here are the phases I personally experienced as a working, childless spouse just freshly moved to a new home without my husband.

Phase 1: Dreading his departure
- I was anxious all the time
- I overtly tried too hard to make the most out of every second together
- Questioned if I could do it alone for a year
- I'd get upset if he didn't' want to do EVERYTHING together (last chance for a year, I would say)
- We crammed in teaching me every thing he only knew how to do (cleaning guns, taxes...)
- On the last days we had friends drop by goodies for his plane ride, and that's when the random uncontrollable sobbing would hit. It's happening. We're doing this.

Phase 2: Ignore it until I can't anymore
- After he left I had 2 weeks left at our home in TX with my amazing close friends, so I ignored my feelings
- Felt relived that the "goodbye" was finally over
- I went out with my friends as usual
- I had slumber parties with my girlfriends
- I had grueling school to graduate from
- I was busy, busy, busy and pushed my husband from my mind successfully

Phase 3: I'm alone
- This hit me like a ton of bricks the night before I moved solo 1400 miles across the U.S.
- I had my first panic attack
- I cried and almost hyperventilated
- I got mad at him for leaving me at such an awful time
- I left my friends and last home I had with my husband for a new life unknown and alone

Phase 4: Detachment and withdrawal
- Finally arrived to FL, the move made it easy to become a recluse
- I stopped calling home
- Stopped texting friends as much
- I felt a lack of energy, mild depression and always tired
- I didn't go out with anyone and didn't care to
- Didn't exercise, ate junk
- Buried myself in my job

Phase 5: Emotional disorganization
- Felt numb
- Felt disorganized, old routine disrupted, new routine not established
- Overwhelmed (Figuring out I had to mow, fix our washer, do the taxes, walk the dog daily, work 10 hour days, pay the bills, clean a two-story house...list goes on)
- Cried at superbowl/subaru commercials, country songs and teared up at almost every Army uniform I'd see on base
- Went through needy nights where I needed a "goodnight" text just to rest peacefully

Phase 6: Recovery and stability
- Realized that I can do this
- Found a couple friends
- Established a routine
- Kept busy until 9pm almost every night
- Started working out again, started caring about how I looked again
- Started saying "My house, my dog, my truck" instead of "our" (which felt odd, sad and right all at the same time)

Phase 7: Anticipating his return
- Now that I've gotten word on when he'll return and I'm able to countdown the weeks instead of months
- Nervous
- Will he be different? Will I?
- Will he still like me physically?
- Excited, sometimes too much to where I can't sleep at night
- Pounding the gym hard to burn those last couple pounds off
- Cleaning like crazy so that he'll love our new home
- Planning in my head all the things I want to do together

And this is where I leave it for now. This is what I have experienced thus far in our adventure together. There are more phases I'm sure I'll experience, but until then...I leave it here. I hope if you're in this predicament that you can relate and know that each bullet statement is normal. My sweet husband had to reassure me many times that all these feelings I'd expressed to him were normal. I'd freak out and always say to him, "Is this normal??" Yes, yes it is. It's a long, emotional process that needs to be worked through, not ignored. May these next couple of months fly by!